Two old guys talking. 
  
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV". 
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!" 
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.... Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the  family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.  She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.  Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?' 

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word..  His buddies at the club are all aghast.  At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'  Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'  They are knocked over, but continue to ask.  'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age,' Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery.  He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he has had.
The nun asked "Do you have health insurance? "
The patient replied in a raspy voice "No health insurance".
Then the nun asked "Do you have money in the bank? "
The patient replied "No money in the bank ".
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked "Do you have a relative who  would  be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment ? "
The patient said "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun".
The nun became agitated and announced loudly  "Nuns are not spinsters ! Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted "Then send the bill to my brother in law.'"

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.  'These,' she explained, 'are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'  She then asked, 'What do you do in America  with your old goats?' 

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!'

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. 
One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist, and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.

He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, GOD if you are real then I want you to knock me off this platform. 
I'll give you exactly 15 min..' 
The lecture room fell silent. 
You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am GOD, I'm still waiting.' 

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. 
The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned, and sat there looking on in silence. 
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, 'What
in the world is the matter with you? 
'Why did you do that?' 

The Marine calmly replied, 'GOD was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. 
So He sent me.' 

The classroom erupted in cheers! 

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude' With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged the dealer and each of the players and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.

Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.  
Suddenly, a cow walks out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. 
Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 
˜You get out and check - you were driving.
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. 
˜You were driving; go and tell the farmer,˜ says Julia. 
Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered,hair ruffled with a big grin on his face. 
˜My god, what happened to you? asks Julia. 
The chauffeur replies: ˜ When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, 
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.
˜What on earth did you say?˜ asks Julia.
˜I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow

In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire  
lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes
She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. 
Her mail is addressed:  

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.    

A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life. The secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning

The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died

He left behind 14 children,30 grandchildren,45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a 15 foot crater where the crematorium used to be

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'
God simply replied 'You are what you are.'
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for  you?'
The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.''
St. Peter smiled and  said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes..'
The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for  certain?'
'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is..'

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing  in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small flags mounted on either side of it.

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Bottle of Wine (Women will LOVE this one!)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways. 
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. 
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.' 
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.' 
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God  wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.  She hands the bottle to the man. 
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. 
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man. 
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?' 
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...' 

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. 
Don't mess with them.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. 

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. 

He reacts and reaches out, grabbing it in mid air, and hands it back. 

"Oh my, I am so sorry" the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. 

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you" she says. 

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks, they laugh and talk, and shares their deepest dreams. 

After paying for everything, she asks him "would you like to come to my place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast?". 

They have a wonderful, wonderful time. 

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. 

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! 

"You know" he says, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" 

"oh No!!" she replies.."You just caught my eye".

Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them ?
Mum said . YOU should say "no" - they only want to look at your knickers
Susie said I know they do "that's why I hide them in my bag"!!

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. 'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother maysometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a$s-holes.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY 

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. 

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me.  The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes.  They're a real pain." And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such a s her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.  She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".  "That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know.  I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right.  I will fix it up right away." 

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"  "Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight.  You see, all the animals are paired off.  The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull.  All the animals have a mate except me.  I feel so alone. "  God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.  How could I have overlooked this?  You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.  Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?" 

Three nuns were attending an AFL final

Three men were sitting directly behind.. because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area, in a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to Brisbane.. there are only 100 nuns living there.." then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Tasmania.... there are only 50 nuns living there.. the third guy said, "i want to go to New Zealand... There are only 25 nuns living there..."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "why don't you go to hell ..There aren't any nuns there!"

A man is seeking to join the Victorian Police Force . 

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim terrorists, and a rabbit.”
"Why the rabbit?"
"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Anger Management 

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone,don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know, but you know deserves it. 

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying 'Hello.'
I politely said, 'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!' and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled 'You're an asshole!' and hung up. 

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell,'You're an asshole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?' He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, 'That's because you're an asshole!' and hung up. 

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. 

I noticed a 'For Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too.
I said, 'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said, 'Yes, it is.' I then asked, 'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said, Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax.

It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.' 

I asked, 'What's your name?'
He said, 'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked, 'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said, 'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said, 'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said, 'Yes?' I said,'Don, you're an asshole!'
Then I hung up,and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,I had two assholes to call.
Then I came up with an idea... I called asshole #1.

He said, 'Hello.' I said, 'You're an asshole!' (But I didn't hang up.)
He asked, 'Are you still there?'
I said, 'Yeah!'
He screamed, 'Stop calling me,'
I said, 'Make me,'
He asked, 'Who are you?' I said, 'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said, 'Yeah?
Where do you live?' I said, 'Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax,a yellow ranch style home and I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole,' and hung up.

Then I called Asshole #2.
He said, 'Hello?' I said, 'Hello, asshole,' He yelled, 'If I ever find out who you are...' I said" 'You'll what?'
He exclaimed, 'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered, 'Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax ,and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 7 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax .
I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

Apparently the Australian Medical Association has now weighed in on the new economic stimulus package....

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Chiropractors thought it was an utterly spineless idea

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I' ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, 'No kidding. I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?'

Vacancy for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

A man goes into the Job Center in LONDON and sees a notice advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more  "Can you please give me some more details about this job?" he asks the male receptionist on the desk.

The receptionist locates the job file papers, and replies. "The job entails you getting female patients ready for the gynecologist. You'll have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions, then apply shaving foam and shave off  all their pubic hair; then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. 

The annual salary is £20,000 but you're going to have to go up to Glasgow ."

The drooling man asks ....  "Is that where the job is based?"

"No, that is where the queue ends !"

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“ Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty..

You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 18 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided

I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.

Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I was lucky to find a very stable girl but she was boring.

She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 32 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.

She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless so I decided  to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 40, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am much older and wiser now. I'm looking for a girl with big tits.

So after landing my new job as a K-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, 
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had  been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to K-Mart. 
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 
'Hell no, they ain't  twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. 
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, 
I just  couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. 
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at K-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

Divorce VS. Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, "I Would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband!"
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord Have Mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!"
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely Not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription!"   

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demands, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?
Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

And God’s answer…….


I did’nt bloody recognise you… did I????

Just phoned the swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.

How did the pig go on holiday? The swine flu

Swine flu isn't a problem for pigs, because they're all going to be cured anyway.

The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.

If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start
coughing loudly and exclaiming "Iválgame dios!" in a Mexican accent.

Swine flu is getting serious. It has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may
lead to an aporkolypse... But we'll get through. Where there's a swill there's
a way.

This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.

My friend says he's got swine flu, but I think he's telling porkies.

I have to say, I'm finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu - ignore it. It's just spam.

Little known fact about Alcohol

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN .... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site.
  
In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to the nearest doctor, told him she was an environmentalist and how she got all the splinters.
  
The doctor listened with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'
  
'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber' from a 'recreational area' . . . I'm sorry but they all turned me down.'

Thought for the day:

"No woman will ever be truly satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money."

This frustrated wife buys a pair of crutchless knickers in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the lounge opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she crosses her legs ... enough times until her husband says...
"Are you wearing crutchless knickers?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank Christ for that... I thought the stuffing was coming out of the lounge."

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the taxi-driver says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank .'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Taxi-driver: ' Frank Feldman . He's a bloke who did everything right allthe time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Taxi-driver: 'Not Frank Feldman . He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could play golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing fella.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Taxi-driver: 'There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I can't change a fuse but, if I try to, the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman , he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some amazing man then.'

Taxi-driver: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman .'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Taxi-driver: 'Well, I never actually met Frank , he died.. I married his f****ing wife.

A blind man wanders into an all-girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I am a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is also blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times

Signs in English from Around the World

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath."Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"

The following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only, and supply a witty definition.

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artifact
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle
Mateshit: all your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor 
Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity 
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans 
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us: 
Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll try being a hooker.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says.
Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy.
Tell him you charge a hundred dollars.
Any questions and i'll be parked around the corner.
She stands outside the bar for 5 minutes showing her leg when a guy pulls up and asks "How much"
She says "A hundred dollars"
He replies "All i got is thirty"
She says" Hang on," and runs back to Harry "What now. what can he get for thirty"
"A hand job", Harry replied
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job
He agrees and she gets into his car.
He unzips his trousers and out pops this huge willy.
She stares at it for a few seconds and then says "i'll be right back"
She runs back to Harry
"What's wrong" he asks
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars"

Five tips for a woman.... 

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 
3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: 
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account... But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back."

Women's Ass Size Study

There's a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
 
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small. 
 
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

Two Woodpeckers........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Mexican woodpecker was amazed...

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.
How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex !

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, “ Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
 

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy,
Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance)
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.  Management has prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.
Should you feel that You do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Enjoy the Holidays!

Sincerely,

The Management

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and  says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let  me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror an d says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly  says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade  was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police di! spatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

Why do you run when a blonde throws a pin at you ?????

She's holding the grenade

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and says,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, Fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her Knees, leans forward and whispers ...
" I don't weally fink my pet pyfon gives a phuk."

A LITTLE FLAB
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his "wackie." With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool
man, and your brother.

If Only!!!!!!!!  If the World was fair to Guys...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a 'cheers for the sex' would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to 29th February so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. The only show opposite 'Friday Night Football' would be 'Friday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.'

6. Instead of 'beer-belly,' you'd get 'beer-biceps.'

7. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

8. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

9. When the Police pull you over, every smart-arse answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. Example Cop: 'Do you know how fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.' Cop: 'Nice one, that's $20 off.'

10. Stubbies shorts would never go out of style again.

11. Every man would get four, real 'Get Out of Jail Free' cards per year.

12. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

13. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

14. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'

15. The funniest guy in the office would get to be the CEO.

16. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night,' would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

17. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the public ugliness ordinance.

18. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

19. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

20. 'Fancy a shag' would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

21. Everyone would drive at least 110kph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

22. Lunch break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers and $2000 a night hookers for the duration of those breaks.

23. Saying 'Let's have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!'

24. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

25. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.

26. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

27. Along with your milk in the morning, the milkman would deliver two Swedish milk maids.

28. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus just like Fred Flintstone

29. "Yes" would be an acceptable answer to a woman's question of "Does my bum look big in this?"

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God.

I have a question for Him.

St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God Said, "Ah, yes

"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention;

1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.

5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I don't even want to start talking about the maintenance costs.  

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points "replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

There was a City cop on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little boy said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the boy a $20 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young boy looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse not on top."

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just sailed on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

A few minutes later, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through without stopping. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they travelled on through.

So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Maud, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Maud turned to her and said, "Oh, is it me who’s driving?"

One evening, a family bring their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK but, after a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later that day, her family arrives to see how she is adjusting to her new home.

"So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us – good news for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes...
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Procol Harum - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

At Jean Chretien's retirement dinner, a reporter said, "Madame Chretien, your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame Aline Chretien.
A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Jean leaned over to his wife and said, "Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, ‘Appiness’."

The New Zoo Keeper

Harry starts his new job at the zoo and he is given three tasks, the first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

Harry starts on this when suddenly a bloody great fish leaps out and bites him. Harry is not going to let a fish have a go so he beats the offending fish to death.

Upon doing so he realises that his boss is not going to be best pleased, so Harry tries to think of a way to hide the dead fish. He hits on the brilliant idea of giving the fish to the lions as lions will eat anything, so Harry feeds the fish to the lions.

Harry then moves on to his second job, which is to clearout the monkey house. Harry gets stuck in and a couple of chimps starts throwing sh*t at him. Harry is not amused and bashes the chimps with his spade, killing them instantly. Harry is shitting himself, so what does he do? He feeds the chimps to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Anyway, Harry moves on to his last job, which is to collect honey from some South American bees. Harry starts on this and gets attacked by the bees, as you can guess Harry mashes the swarm of bees. By this point he is not too worried about the death of bees as he knows what to do, you guessed it, feed them to the lions, because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo, it wanders up to another lion and asks, 'what's the food like here?'

The other lion responds, 'absolutely brilliant, today I had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'

The Golden Phone 
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around  the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.  Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.  He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.  The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.  He arrived in New Zealand, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.  Why is it so cheap here?"  The priest smiled and answered, "You're in New Zealand now, son - it's a local call". KEEP SMILING   If you are proud to be an Aussie pass this on! 

Q: What do you call an Australian who farms both sheep and goats?
A: Bisexual

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP.......
BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP..
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP..

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys,

His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet...... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses  in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring  the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.  (Boy, we live sheltered lives -- thank goodness)

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

A 500 lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the wife realised that she would need her husband to wake her at 5:00 AM for an early morning business  flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), she wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM.
The next morning the wife woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and  that she had missed his flight. Furious, she was about to go and see why her husband hadn't woken her when she noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." 

(WOMEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS)

A single mum who is also a Collingwood fan goes to centrelink to register for child benefits.
"How many children?" asks the centrelink officer.
"10", she answers.
"10???" says the centrelink officer."What are their names?"
"Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig & Craig"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Collingwood chick "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout "CRAAIG,YER DINNER'S READY" or "CRAAIG GO TO BED NOW" and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?", says the perturbed Centrelink officer.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood mum ........ "I just use their surnames"

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Footscray and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Bulldogs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I'm a Lions fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Lions fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Brisbane , and my mum is a Lions fan and my dad is a Lions fan, so I'm a Lions fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Lions fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

MELBOURNE, VIC (AAP) - Carlton football club practice was delayed on Tuesday for nearly two hours.
One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Wayne Britain, immediately suspended practice while the Australian Federal Police [AFP] were called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the AFP determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. 
Practice was resumed when AFP Special Agents decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

A man comes home from a big day at the football, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer.
Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "

Did you hear about the lady who walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the chemist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
He answered - "I can if I take two,".

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse... The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day? A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day? Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day?? Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina

10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot

Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis

10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the meat"
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually Michael the Arch-Angel found him on the seventh day, resting.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look Michael, look what I've made." said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.

"This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth.

There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them.

"I call them Australians !!!"

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, 
" There's something he's needing " . 
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole blooming thing.

A little girl and a little boy were at day care. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a Postman
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic" Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag, who is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men"
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject but later in the school yard approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays rugby league for Queensland, and I was just too embarrassed to say so"

On the day of her wedding, Kathy was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to bring her wedding shoes. Panic. Then, her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding before, so she lent them to Kathy for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small. By the time the festivities were over, Kathy's feet were in agony.
When she and bridegroom, Anthony, withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the family crowded around the door to the bedroom, and they heard roughly what they expected-grunts, straining noises, and an occasional muffled scream.
Eventually, they heard Anthony say, "Goodness, that was tight!"
"There," whispered Kathy's mother. "I told you she was a virgin!"
Then, to their surprise, they heard Anthony say, "Now for the other one."
This was followed by more grunting and straining, and at last, Anthony said, "Goodness, that was even tighter!"
"That's my boy," said Anthony's father. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

The Prime Minister of Israel sits down with Arafat at the beginning of negotiations regarding the resolution of the conflict.
The Prime Minister requests that he be allowed to begin with a story. 
Arafat replies, "Of course."
The Prime Minister begins his story: "Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled here, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. The Israelites began complaining that they were thirsty and, lo and behold, a miracle occurred and a stream appeared before them. They drank their fill and then decided to take advantage of the stream to do some bathing--including Moses. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all his clothing was missing.
"'Who took my clothes?' Moses asked those around him.
"'It was the Palestinians,' replied the Israelites -- 
"Wait a minute," objected Arafat immediately, "there were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"
"All right," replies the Prime Minister, "Now that we've got that settled, let's begin our negotiations."

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one.

He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.'

 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'

Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. 'Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?'

Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda.

Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food.

So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.

Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. 
Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.

Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.

After three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.  'NO!' Joe retorts. We promised.'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.

But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says.. I told you I couldn't trust you

When John got arrested, he was told, "Anything you say will be held against you."

John responded, "Pamela Anderson."

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied

"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving 'hearses' for the last 25 years!!!!!"

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two hookers and take them back to their separate hotel rooms. When they get there, the first dwarf strips down but no matter how hard he tries, he is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUHhhh!!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 
"How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? 
*I* couldn't even get on the bed!"

Why English is a Pain to Learn...

- The bandage was wound around the wound.

- The farm was used to produce produce.

- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

- He could lead if he would get the lead out.

- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. And...

- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

- They were too close to the door to close it.

- The buck does funny things when the does are present.

- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

- After a number of injections my jaw got number.

- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

A man and woman are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. 
But then the lady stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

The guy says "WHAT??"

The lady explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

Then he realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the man takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his woman to take all three of them.
Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each, then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The lady is so excited. She thinks her guy has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. He says "you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it."

The woman is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."

The man stops and says, "No, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

The woman's face goes blank.
He Continues --- "I just wanted you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The look on her face is indescribable and she is bout to explode.

The guy says, "You need to be in tune with my financial needs as a Man".

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." 
Horrified, Jenny suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. 
"Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs. "She paused, and wiped away a tear. 
"If it wasn't for that damn ice cream van going past, he'd still be alive".

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, "Panty stitcher; I sew the elastic onto cotton panties." The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week  unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. "Diesel fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week. 
When Ole found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the unemployment office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting twice his pay.
The clerk explained that panty stitchers were unskilled and diesel fitters were skilled labor. 
"What skill?" yelled Ole. "I sew the elastic on, Sven pulls it over his head and says, ..."Yep, diesel fitter."

Jim and Joe were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Joe promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled Jim out.

The medical director came to know of Joe's heroic act. He immediately ordered that Joe be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK.

The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, Joe! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved, Mr. Jim, hung himself in the bathroom, and died."

 Joe replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed  it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting.

Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad! 

" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 yards into the desert where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! "How did you know it was so dangerous?

" The other alien answered,  "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him." !!!

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
 "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
 "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain:
"When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes."
 "And to let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke from me."
 "So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today and wanted to send you a smile

Subject: I'm so pissed off !

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already!

Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.

And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Check this story out!

For all of you who use HSBC or an ATM.
Just wanted to warn you about something that happened to me the other day.
I was getting some cash out at the cash point outside at HSBC George Street.
I put my card in and a message came up on the screen saying the machine was temporarily out of order. A lady approached me and told me that this had happened to her the other day and what I needed to do was key my pin number in and then press cancel twice. I did this and of course no card was returned. I left the machine thinking that it had swallowed my card. But when I returned to HSBC the following morning, my card wasn't there.
According to the police this method of stealing bankcards is called the Lebanese loop'. A plastic envelope is made up that fits the hole in the machine perfectly. When you put your card in, the machine knows it is there but cannot read it and therefore the message comes up on the screen.
Once the pin number has been given away and the card left in the machine, it is then 'looped' out and the spending starts! I had 500 taken from my account before I realised what had happened and cancelled it. The women who approached me at the cash point was late 40's in age, 5.3 in height, dark hair and eyes. The way she was dressed was smart as if she had just left work.
Please pass this information on to all your friends

This is a great story -

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.

Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American banker complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quantity of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied "Only a little while".

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican then said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed: "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat."

"With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery."

"You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you will run your expanded enterprise."

The Mexican asked; "But how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years."

"But what then?"

The American laughed and said: "That’s the best part. When the time is right, you would sell your company stock to the public and become very rich.

You would make millions."

"Millions…..then what?"

The American said: "Then you would retire, move to a small coastal village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

It’s so easy to get caught up in the "rat race" of life and lose focus on what really matters.

Take time with those you love – today. Try to make each day special. It only takes a little to make a lot of difference.

Doctor Stu Hansell had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Stu, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Stu, you're a veterinarian...."

TAKE A FEW MINUTES AND READ THESE AND THINK ABOUT THEM WITHOUT GOING ON TO THE NEXT ONE...IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD...

*Falling in love.

*Laughing so hard your face hurts.

*A hot shower.

*No lines at the Super Wal-Mart.

*A special glance.

*Getting mail.

*Taking a drive on a pretty road.

*Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

*Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

*Hot towels out of the dryer.

*Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.

*Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!)

*A long distance phone call.

*A bubble bath.

*Giggling.

*A good conversation.

*The beach.

*Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.

*Laughing at yourself.

*Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

*Running through sprinklers.

*Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

*Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

*Laughing at an inside joke.

*Friends.

*Falling in love for the first time.

*Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

*Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

*Your first kiss.

*Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

*Playing with a new puppy.

*Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.

*Having someone play with your hair.

*Sweet dreams.

*Hot chocolate.

*Road trips with friends.

*Swinging on swings.

*Watching a good movie cuddled up on a couch with someone you love.

*Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.

*Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid.

*Going to a really good concert.

*Getting butterflies in your stomach every time you see that one person.

*Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

*Winning a really competitive game.

*Making chocolate chip cookies.

*Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

*Spending time with close friends.

*Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends...

*Holding hands with someone you care about.

*Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

*Discovering that love is unconditional and stronger than time.

*Riding the best roller coasters over and over.

*Hugging the person you love.

*Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.

*Watching the sunrise.

*Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day........NOW PASS THESE NATURAL HIGHS ONTO 7 PEOPLE YOU KNOW IN THE NEXT HALF HOUR...AND GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IN THE NEXT COUPLE HOURS

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